It's hard to pen down one's failure, especially when they hit mid-aged crisis period.
But it's a story to be told, for constant self remind to myself that somehow we need to be more vigilant in handling financial related matters.
I am officially a debt consolidation plan subscriber. Nothing to be proud of, nothing to hide either. The point of having this plan in place just purely just to correct myself financially. Otherwise young one will bear the silly mistake by his father.
No doubt i am not very good in planning, somehow, over the years, i have lost sense of control and thus the magnitude of such mistake is indeed hard to digest. Frequent quarrel with her on money matters has also lead to deterioration of our relationship. Even as my full time job paid me quite well but the debts are just as high as a mountain. Therefore, i op to be a rider, delivering goods and foods. It's a tough job. It requires a substantial amount of physical fitness to perform the tasks, clearly i am lacked of it and the earnings were just pathetic as my good self. But it covers my meals and petrol at certain extend. It's either do or starve.
This episode is the most dramatic in my entire life.
Juggling financially for bills and debts, zero savings, dried account balances and negative tens of thousands dollars, with fantastic 84 months of repayment plan. At the same,need to support family from tuition, special needs to parents well being. It suck. And this i kept all alone to myself. Only few close friends knew the shit i am in.
Recently, i have also lost a colleague. He hang himself, due to finance and family issues too. It may seem he took the easy way out, but i am sure he is not.I am sure he thought and consider in many equations. However, the answer equals were the same. Death. And i was shocked and sadden by his passing. Because i dont know his other-side of the story. I totally understand his intention and why he ended his life, because i too suspect i am suffering from depression too. Constantly straying my mind to the dark side.
Somehow, i thought, if i die from accident now, my insurance should cover my family financially, and my family would not need to worry about money in the future, never knew that this thought itself is very selfish of myself. But i do not know what to do next, my mind was "stuck" with many many negative thoughts and i have lost interest of anything. I am just a living zombie to be honest.
Peeps at my age already very successful, enjoying life fullest. Then i look at the mirror, just a piece of useless meat walking........what's the use of living. Waste of earth resources. But the passing of my colleague thought me something, even though he thought he had solved his problem, actually is not. The suffering from his family who need to go thru this grieving process, its unbearable. And need to live the rest of their life.
I think i need to bite the bullet for now.
